a Letter

Dear Friends,

Lam and her family have arrived in London yesterday. Calvin and I met them at China Town last night; then we all headed down the street to an Indian restaurant for dinner. It felt good to see some old faces in a completely different context than Toronto. We gave each other big hug, fixed our gaze on each other for seconds, and couldn't stop laughing like a fool. Three silly folks. What a delightful moment!

I have to say Lam looked terrific last night. Cheerful and Energetic. Anyone could tell that she had a really good time with her family on the road trip across continental Europe. During dinner, she and her family exchanged stories of their memorable moments of the trip. What interested me the most was not the content; but their facial expressions, full of lingering joy and excitement.

It has been 2 months since I arrived here. Everything have been going well so far. After weeks of struggle, we finally got broadband at home. That put a conclusion to the tedious domestic trivia. Now, things have been put in order: books on the bookshelves, CDs on top of the frieze of the fireplace, plants on the window sills to take advantage of the tall windows. The flat is not ours, but we treat it like our own. Slowly transforming. This small flat, sitting right above a local internet café, now becomes my home sweet home.

I am sorry that I didn’t say goodbye to some of you before I left. Somehow, I didn’t want any kind of farewell. Please bear with me on my quasi-individualism. During the time without internet access here in London, there were moments I wanted to write to you all, but I didn’t or couldn’t do so. There were things here that would trigger my memories of the people I know. But, those scattered thoughts came and went. Many have been forgotten, except a few…

The night I finished reading Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, I wanted to write to S to tell him: READ THIS. Remember when we last talked on the phone, he told me that he was reading Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities as bedside story. I wasn’t sure about the choice of book especially after a long stressful day; but I couldn’t formulate my thoughts to explain why. Nothing’s wrong about Dickens' book. // I finished The Great Gatsby in a late evening. I was alone in the living room, lying on the sofa, under the yellow light. It was the second time I read the book. The first time was in 1A cultural history. I failed the test. The second time I read it, it gave me a lot to think about.

I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified. It was all very careless and confused. They were careless people, Tom and Daisy – they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made…

I shook hands with him; it seemed silly not to, for I felt suddenly as though I were talking to a child. Then he went into the jewellery store to buy a pearl necklace – or perhaps only a pair of cuff buttons – rid of my provincial squeamishness for ever. (Fitzgerald, 186)

That evening, I had many dreams, which I forgot what they were about. I only know that those dreams let my emotions out and I was reborn the next day.

***

I thought of G when I read the following from Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ Women Who Run with the Wolves:

Mr. Fox sorts of energy…attempt to demolish the dual nature of women. That sort of suitor cannot tolerate duality and is looking for perfection, for the one truth, the one immovable, unchangeable feminina substancia, feminine substance, embodied in the one perfect woman. Ai! If you meet this kind of person, run the other way as fast as you can. It is better to have a Manawee-type lover both within and without: He is a much better suitor, for he is intensely devoted to the idea of the Two. And the power of the Two is in acting as one integral entity. (Estes, 117)

G: The “perfect woman”, good that you ran away.

This is it.

Many things have happened in the past 2 months. My life was totally transformed. I walked a lot, read a lot and saw a lot. Calvin and I saw many great films at BFI. We have been to four concerts at the Royal Festival Hall so far. One of them was Massive Attack's Meltdown and it was fabulous. We have also made a few day trips to get away from the congested city. Calvin and I are getting along very well. We are both learning to build our lives together in this new place.

Still learning to live a good life.

It will be a lifelong learning.

Miss u all.